Friday, August 19, 2011

C.I.A. F.A.Q.

So let's say you're the struggling single mom of a special needs child (having given his identical, more sturdy twin brother away to an abusive, distant cousin, and dumped your older daughter in the care of her upstanding, albeit periodically mentally ill, godmother, who also unknowingly happens to be your children's half-sister).

You've tried all the usual methods for scraping up enough money to support your little boy: food stamps, food banks, welfare, Section 8 housing, Medicaid, TANF, WIC, private charities, religious charities, actually getting a job... but none, alas, are good enough for little Victor Lord Jr.

You're left with no other options. It's the C.I.A. or starvation.

Naturally, being a struggling single mom, you are awash in the sort of skills the C.I.A. is looking for, including cartography, information technology, and advanced weaponry.

And have no problem meeting the following qualification:

We (will) examine your freedom from conflicting allegiances, potential to be coerced, and willingness and ability to abide by regulations governing the use, handling and the protection of sensitive information. The CIA uses the polygraph to check the veracity of this information. The hiring process also includes a thorough mental and physical medical examination in relation to performing essential job functions.


If Irene Manning could qualify.... yeah. I'm afraid now.

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