Tuesday, January 06, 2015

EVERYTHING YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY BREASTS (BUT WERE TOO POLITE TO ASK)

I am 45 years old. And I have never owned a bra that fits.

Granted, that’s partially my fault. Unlike what every stand-up comedian since the beginning of time would have you believe, I hate shopping (I also hate dressing and undressing; probably a sensory issue like my son), and thus attempt to avoid it as much as possible.

As a result, when I was a teenager, my mother bought my bras. (My mother actually enjoys shopping and, to this day, if someone notices me wearing a new outfit, the follow-up question should always be, “Is your mother in town?”) She bought me my bras when I was in high school, and I continued wearing them through college. And my 20s. And my 30s. (I did buy a few nursing bras after I had my first son in 1999. And you don’t want to know how long I wore those. Even after I stopped nursing.)

My bras never fit exactly right, but it also never occurred to me to do anything about it. I didn’t even know what size I was. (Yes, I could have looked at those handy tags in the back, but I had owned most of the bras for so long, the numbers had been laundered off. And it is impossible to underestimate how deep my disinterest in the subject went.)

About 10 years ago, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and go shopping on my own. (Primarily because what I currently owned was literally down to its last strap and snap). I went to Victoria’s Secret. I got measured and everything. And I bought the size they recommended.

It didn’t fit. The straps were constantly slipping off my shoulders, and I wobbled around in the cups. However, a few months after that purchase, I got pregnant with my third child and, miraculously, for the next half a year, it fit perfectly!

My daughter turns 8 this January. I haven’t bought any new bras since.

So, after almost 16 years of marriage, my husband decided to get into the act.

Find out how that went at: http://www.kveller.com/why-cant-i-find-a-bra-that-fits/